finals week.

My brother said something to me the other day that has sort of stuck with me, "Biology is sort of a lonely subject to study." (Although I'm not studying Biology, Biochemistry falls into that same category.) When I start to get overwhelmed by school and begin to question what the heck I'm doing, I walk into class, sit down and become engulfed in the structures of nucleotides and how transcription occurs molecule by molecule, I'm then reminded of why I'm here. I love this stuff! He's right though, these are not things one can discuss with everyone so I see how it can be lonely but I've recently been discussing it with my Creator. The more I learn about the how all the pieces fit together in this Universe, the more I am convinced it is perfectly knitted by Him. I am constantly reminded not only how much He loves me but how logical and perfect life in the knowledge of Him is.

this makes me happy...

Fish radio, really?

Today I was listening to the Fish radio station, lame right? But, I heard two songs that moved me, totally worth being lame for. 

 

Although the music style doesn't particularly move me, the words in Brandon Heath's song are a prayer that has been written on my heart.  Here's the chorus:

 

Give me your eyes for just one second

Give me your eyes so I can see

Everything that I keep missing

Give me your love for humanity

Give me your arms for the broken hearted

The ones that are far beyond my reach

Give me your heart for the ones forgotten

Give me your eyes so I can see

 

This next song is one that I just love and is something I am continuing to learn, Love Song for a Savior by Jars of Clay. God being more than just my savior, but allowing Him to be God over all my life! I truly want to fall more in love with Him. Plus, I love the imagery in the beginning; it always makes me think of daisy-chain necklaces and crowns :)

 

 

In open fields of wild flowers,

she breathes the air and flies away

She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses

in no simple language

Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens

As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips

Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him

Someday He'll call her and she will come running

and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

 

"I want to fall in love with You"

 

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best

The sermon echoes through the walls

A great salvation through it calls to the people

who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls

 

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens

As close a heartbeat or a song on our lips

Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him

Someday He'll call us and we will come running

and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray,

 

"I want to fall in love with You"

 

It seems too easy to call you "Savior",

Not close enough to call you "God"

So as I sit and think of words I can mention

to show my devotion

 

"I want to fall in love with You"

"my heart beats for You"

"Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities."
-C.S. Lewis

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Px12JPgc0ic

Up broke my heart.

1 Kings 3:7-15
"Now, O Lord my God, you have made your servant king in place of my father David. But I am only a little child and do not know how to carry out my duties. Your servant is here among the people you have chosen, a great people, too numerous to count or number. So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong. For who is able to govern this great people of yours?
The Lord was pleased that Solomon had asked for this. So God said to him, "Since you have asked for this and not for long life or wealth for yourself, nor have you asked for the death of your enemies but for discernment in administering justice, I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be. Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for-both riches and honor-so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings. And if you walk in my ways and obey my statutes and commands as David your father did, I will give you long life."

Atheism

My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust? If the whole show was bad and senseless from A to Z, so to speak, why did I, who was supposed to be part of the show, find myself in such violent reaction against it? A man feels wet when he falls into water, because man is not a water animal: a fish would not feel wet. Of course, I could have given up my idea of justice by saying it was nothing but a private idea of my own. But if I did that, then then my argument against God collapsed too-for the argument depended on saying that the world was really unjust, not simply that it did not happen to please my private fancies. Thus in the very act of trying to prove that God did not exist-in other words, that the whole of reality was senseless-I found I was forced to assume that one part of reality-namely my idea of justice-was full of sense. Consequently atheism turns out to be too simple. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that is has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning.

-C.S. Lewis

Happy, I find myself inspired in this classical setting;

The ancient world and the present speak so clearly and evocatively to me.

Here I follow the advice to page through the works of the ancients,

With busy hands and daily with renewed joy.

Ah, but throughout the nights, Amor occupies me with other matters.

And if I wind up only half a scholar, I am yet doubly happy.

But do I not provide my own instruction, when I inspect the form

Of her lovely breasts, and guide my hands down her thighs?

Then I understand the marble aright for the first time: I think and compare,

And see with feeling eye, and feel with seeing hand.

Though my beloved steals from me a few hours of the day,

She grants me in recompense hours of the night.

We don't spend all the time kissing, but have intelligent conversation;

When sleep overcomes her, I lie by her side and think over many things.

Often I have composed poetry while in her arms, and have softly beat out

The measure of hexameters, fingering along her spine.

In her lovely slumber, she breathes out, and I inspire

Her warm breath, which penetrates deep into my heart.

Amor trims the lamp and remembers the time

When he performed the same service for his three poets.

-Goethe, Römische Elegien 3.2: 47

Men go to God when he is sore bested:
find him poor and scorned, without shelter and bread,
whelmed under weight of the wicked, the weak, the dead.
Christians stand by God in his hour of grieving.
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

another gem.

"It all depends on whether or not the fragment of our life reveals the plan and material of the whole. There are fragments which are only good to be thrown away, and others which are important for centuries to come because their fulfilment can only be divine work. They are fragments necessity. If our life, however remotely, reflects such a fragment ... we shall not bewail our fragmentary life, but, on the contrary, rejoice in it."

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"We tend, however, to divide our past into good things to remember with gratitude and painful things to accept or forget. This way of thinking, which at first glance seems quite natural, prevents us from allowing our whole past to be the source from which we live our future. It locks us into a self involved focus on our gain or comfort. It becomes a way to categorize, and in a way, control. Such an outlook becomes another attempt to avoid facing our suffering. Once we accept this division, we develop a mentality on which we hope to collect more good memories than bad memories, more things to be glad about than things to be resentful about, more things to celebrate than to complain about.

Gratitude in its deepest sense means to love life as a gift to be received thankfully. And true gratitude embraces all of life: the good and the bad, the joyful and the painful, the holy and the not-so-holy. We do this because we become aware of God's life, God's presence in the middle of all that happens." -Henri Nouwen

I especially love the part about being locked into a self involved focus on our gain or comfort. I want so badly to have a family and am constantly told by others that I will have one, but I want to be satisfied in the Lord and no longer remain "unsatisfied" just because I don't have these fleeting desires fulfilled. The Lord being sufficient for me is my prayer right now. I don't want to live my life as someone who is seeking to find pleasure or happiness, I want to be someone who finds pleasure in seeking the Lord at all times of my life. 

béisbol

I absolutely love baseball, I have always loved it. My passion for the Red Sox started however, in 2004. Someone very dear introduced us and that year the Sox won their first World Series in 86 years and it's been true love ever since! So, for the past five years I have enjoyed learning the history, following them, and watching as many games as possible. I've even had the luck to see them play at home twice, once against the Yankees! However, this season is one of sadness for me. I have no one to yell at the television with or buy me nachos during the game because I refuse to get out of my seat lest I miss anything (I keep score you see, and there's no replay in real life). So this is a call for anyone who loves the game or better yet, the Sox to "take me out to the ball game!"

Ponderment (yeah, I just made that up)

Am I pathetic or does the world not seem as glorious when there is no one to share it with? I know I can share it with friends and family, but it's so much better when shared with someone whose heartstrings are tangled among mine. The sky was beautiful today, in case you were wondering world.

ps- I'm sorry this blog has become a place to dump all my sad sappy heartache on. You can stop reading at any point but there is no stopping this pain. So I'm going to spew out my feelings, hopefully with some small doses of wit and humor. 

Nana Collie and the Infinite Sadness.

Okay, so I've had my fair share of breakups. Each time this happens there turns out to be one album that makes me sing along and puts a smile on my face. 

Ex, ex, ex boyfriend was Adore by the Smashing Pumpkins. 

Ex, ex boyfriend was Give Up by The Postal Service 

Ex boyfriend is White Blood Cells by The White Stripes. 

The guitar is a perfect match for my melancholy soul. So good. I can air strum or drum every note, seriously.

Hiding Away

A good friend gave my a CD of Tenth Avenue North. It's a copy so I have no idea what the album is called or what the songs are titled but it has been in my CD player NON-STOP since my breakup. In one song the last verse is this,

"You spread Your hands
And made a refuge for the weak and blessed
The weary, bruised, and broken
Took our sin. Inside Your wounds we hide away
Inside Your wounds we hide"

The illustration of hiding away inside the wounds of Jesus comforts me tremendously. Because of Jesus' suffering, I find comfort. Christianity is such a mysterious thing and so different than the way our culture works. The Kingdom of God is beautiful and I'm blessed to catch these glimpses here on earth.

New April's Eve Resolution

The following are things I would like to start doing. There may be additions to the list, suggestions are welcome.

1. Learn to sail

2. Purchase (or better, receive) a bike

3. Bike ride more often

4. Start climbing outdoors

5. Volunteer more

6. Voy a hablar más español

Seems do-able.

Added resolutions de Katie:

7.   Go to Panama

8.   Buy more clothes...impulsive shopping....it helps, believe it or not:)
9.   Stay at Katie's this weekend
10. Hang out with Katie's friends ;) wink wink
11. Transition to drinking Diet Coke
12. Go beach camping
13. Go to the lake with us.....to your parents house
14. Go rollerblading with Katie
15. Color/paint more
16. Go hiking
17. Go to CCV with Katie EVERY SUNDAY NIGHT!

Responses to suggestions de Katie:

7.  Yes please.

8.  Only if you pick them out (I don't have a fashionable eye)

9.  DONE 

10. Literally "LOL" wink wink ;)

11. NEVER

12. Hoy voy a planear

13. Fo' sho'

14. I only have Britney Spears roller skates, does that count? (p.s.-I know having these go against all my feminist ideals, you don't need to bring up the hypocrisy, I already know)

15. I'm down

16. Ummm.....let me get back to you

17. I'm there dude

Blue.

I feel blue. It's hard to try to gain new friends and new experiences without holding onto some form of the memories I already have of.....well, almost everything: The smell of flowers, the look of the clouds, the smell of the ocean or the meow of a cat. I know new memories will take the place of the old, it's happened all before. But in my weakest moments I question whether or not I want to replace those memories. This brings me to the question: What does it mean to guard my heart? In sharing life with someone what are the boundaries? We know the physical boundaries but what about emotional intimacy boundaries? How can I share my life with someone and make a commitment without bearing my soul, and in the same respect have them bear theirs? How can I let someone know me so intimately while still guarding my heart. This seems impossible, but I guess I'm equivocating guarding my "holy" heart with guarding my "human love" heart. 

Wow, I am now reminded of a quote by Henri Nouwen, "The more people you love, the more pain you may experience. For the great mystery of love is that while it can be received, it can also be rejected. Every time you love you enter into the risk of love." It reminds me of God's love for me, while He chooses to love me, I reject him over and over again. His ultimate action of dying on the cross was a suffering of love. I guess love is willing to suffer the pains for one another. I pray I don't fear the suffering so much that I refuse to love.

"You can either but clothes or buy pictures," she said. "It's that simple. No one who is not very rich can do both. Pay no attention to your clothes and no attention at all to the mode, and buy your clothes for comfort and durability, and you will have the clothes money to buy pictures." -Miss Stein in A Moveable Feast by Ernest Hemingway

This snipit was one of many that caught my eye today while waiting to get my blood drawn(which was awesome by the way). You can easily insert food for pictures in my case, I like art but I LOVE food. The way Hemingway describes oysters makes me want to slurp one down myself. Anyone who knows me knows that would make me puke.

Enough with all the Obama propaganda, 59 days till the season starts!