I feel blue. It's hard to try to gain new friends and new experiences without holding onto some form of the memories I already have of.....well, almost everything: The smell of flowers, the look of the clouds, the smell of the ocean or the meow of a cat. I know new memories will take the place of the old, it's happened all before. But in my weakest moments I question whether or not I want to replace those memories. This brings me to the question: What does it mean to guard my heart? In sharing life with someone what are the boundaries? We know the physical boundaries but what about emotional intimacy boundaries? How can I share my life with someone and make a commitment without bearing my soul, and in the same respect have them bear theirs? How can I let someone know me so intimately while still guarding my heart. This seems impossible, but I guess I'm equivocating guarding my "holy" heart with guarding my "human love" heart.
Wow, I am now reminded of a quote by Henri Nouwen, "The more people you love, the more pain you may experience. For the great mystery of love is that while it can be received, it can also be rejected. Every time you love you enter into the risk of love." It reminds me of God's love for me, while He chooses to love me, I reject him over and over again. His ultimate action of dying on the cross was a suffering of love. I guess love is willing to suffer the pains for one another. I pray I don't fear the suffering so much that I refuse to love.