You know that stage where your bed is so comfortable you do not want to get out of it but your mind is racing a million miles a minute so staying in bed is anything but relaxing? I feel like I just ran a marathon, in my head.
Throughout this season of helplessness, I am forced to surrender my future, yet again. It's such a beautiful thing to see God orchestrate my life, I have no idea where I will go next- but I know it's going to be good. But sometimes I get ahead of myself and try to over plan for a future I have no control of. Here's the low down:
Breaking my talus in January and being misdiagnosed for a month wasn't that big of a deal at first, things break, things heal, right? Now that I have a better understanding of the damage that was caused, and after seeing no progress in healing, I am forced to entertain the idea that I might not walk by fall. There are many logistical battles that go along with that but the one I lay in bed rolling over and over in my mind is nursing school.
I'm pondering the ideas of trust and expectation. I trust in the Lord, I know He is good and He will lay out a path before me that illustrates His goodness. What I'm stuck on is what that trust looks like. I was reminded by a dear friend a couple days ago of how many road blocks God has demolished for me to get into school, she asked if I trusted God to continue to get me into school. I don't know if I do. I know that God is good and if I am not able to go to school because of my foot then He has another, better path. I don't know if I am selling my faith short by not expecting God to fulfill this path, one in which I do feel like the He has blessed (and continues to, even now).
I guess I just answered my own question- He is blessing this path, next week I have an interview with LB's program and have been accepted to all the schools for which I applied. I now wait for the schools of nursing within those schools to accept me. I continue to excel in school even with this malady (all God- definitely not me). God is bringing me further and further along this path, it's me who is setting up road blocks for God- I won't be able to walk, I won't be able to do clinicals, I won't be able to be a nurse if I can't walk.
None of those things are from God, yes, those are possibilities but as of right now, God is still leading me down this path, therefore, I do need to trust and expect that He will get me there. If He doesn't, He will reveal that to me. I need to trust in the fact that our God is an interacting God, one who communicates with His people- even me. Praise God for His mercy and grace.