"We tend, however, to divide our past into good things to remember with gratitude and painful things to accept or forget. This way of thinking, which at first glance seems quite natural, prevents us from allowing our whole past to be the source from which we live our future. It locks us into a self involved focus on our gain or comfort. It becomes a way to categorize, and in a way, control. Such an outlook becomes another attempt to avoid facing our suffering. Once we accept this division, we develop a mentality on which we hope to collect more good memories than bad memories, more things to be glad about than things to be resentful about, more things to celebrate than to complain about.

Gratitude in its deepest sense means to love life as a gift to be received thankfully. And true gratitude embraces all of life: the good and the bad, the joyful and the painful, the holy and the not-so-holy. We do this because we become aware of God's life, God's presence in the middle of all that happens." -Henri Nouwen

I especially love the part about being locked into a self involved focus on our gain or comfort. I want so badly to have a family and am constantly told by others that I will have one, but I want to be satisfied in the Lord and no longer remain "unsatisfied" just because I don't have these fleeting desires fulfilled. The Lord being sufficient for me is my prayer right now. I don't want to live my life as someone who is seeking to find pleasure or happiness, I want to be someone who finds pleasure in seeking the Lord at all times of my life. 

béisbol

I absolutely love baseball, I have always loved it. My passion for the Red Sox started however, in 2004. Someone very dear introduced us and that year the Sox won their first World Series in 86 years and it's been true love ever since! So, for the past five years I have enjoyed learning the history, following them, and watching as many games as possible. I've even had the luck to see them play at home twice, once against the Yankees! However, this season is one of sadness for me. I have no one to yell at the television with or buy me nachos during the game because I refuse to get out of my seat lest I miss anything (I keep score you see, and there's no replay in real life). So this is a call for anyone who loves the game or better yet, the Sox to "take me out to the ball game!"

Ponderment (yeah, I just made that up)

Am I pathetic or does the world not seem as glorious when there is no one to share it with? I know I can share it with friends and family, but it's so much better when shared with someone whose heartstrings are tangled among mine. The sky was beautiful today, in case you were wondering world.

ps- I'm sorry this blog has become a place to dump all my sad sappy heartache on. You can stop reading at any point but there is no stopping this pain. So I'm going to spew out my feelings, hopefully with some small doses of wit and humor. 

Nana Collie and the Infinite Sadness.

Okay, so I've had my fair share of breakups. Each time this happens there turns out to be one album that makes me sing along and puts a smile on my face. 

Ex, ex, ex boyfriend was Adore by the Smashing Pumpkins. 

Ex, ex boyfriend was Give Up by The Postal Service 

Ex boyfriend is White Blood Cells by The White Stripes. 

The guitar is a perfect match for my melancholy soul. So good. I can air strum or drum every note, seriously.

Hiding Away

A good friend gave my a CD of Tenth Avenue North. It's a copy so I have no idea what the album is called or what the songs are titled but it has been in my CD player NON-STOP since my breakup. In one song the last verse is this,

"You spread Your hands
And made a refuge for the weak and blessed
The weary, bruised, and broken
Took our sin. Inside Your wounds we hide away
Inside Your wounds we hide"

The illustration of hiding away inside the wounds of Jesus comforts me tremendously. Because of Jesus' suffering, I find comfort. Christianity is such a mysterious thing and so different than the way our culture works. The Kingdom of God is beautiful and I'm blessed to catch these glimpses here on earth.